i woke up at 4pm today and felt like crap. and had no motivation to do anything. so i didn’t. one whole day wasted procrastinating and doing nothing.

it’s official. i’m in my gutter phase now. somewhere along the way i fell in again, even though i promised myself i wouldn’t, and tried so hard not to. it’s a vicious cycle. you can’t handle the pressure, so you feel crushed; you feel crushed so you try to escape; you escape because you can’t handle the pressure.

i’ve got to learn that life isn’t perfect. someone always reminds me (on an ever so frequent basis),

“there is no free lunch in this world”

so i can’t expect everything to fall right out of the sky and nicely onto the plate in front of me, can i?

time to get cracking. i’m getting out no matter how many times i fall in. (cos i’m pretty sure luck doesn’t get you any where in university, unlike before)

i was tumblring around when i found this song, love love love it haha. the intro kinda reminds me of that daft punk song (i can’t remember the title), and then it turns a bit kylie minogue/la roux-ish. and the chorus OH MY it’s part funk part techno bliss.

anyway i just wanted to say i really miss my guitar… but what to do, i don’t have time to lug it to my new place PLUS if i bring it there i might miss it again when i go back home on the weekends. oh well.

and i’m really angry at myself for spending so much money this month. papa gave me my allowance but i probably spent 3 times what he gave me… and all this without any shopping omg!! new textbooks, snacks, supper, meals and other rubbish on the side; living alone without anyone providing meals/paying for you sucks. and i promised papa to keep accounts of everything i spend but it’s totally impossible! there’s absolutely no time when i get back everyday. he is gonna kill me and force me to go back home… (it’s just a matter of time i tell ya)

i’m also angry at myself because today was supposed to be productive like i was supposed to read all my notes and finish tutorials but I DIDN’T DO A SINGLE THING because i woke up at noon and spent the whole day on tumblr/fb/twitter. i hate myself!!! DDD: the only (possible) redeeming thing i did today was to… do laundry (i’m lazy but at least i’m not pig-like).

so guys. what new? i need to be more disciplined and hardworking. maybe i should throw away my lan cable and ban myself from the computer. SIGH!!!!!!! THIS IS SO HARDDD!!! history repeats itself…. again

p.s. i’m thinking of moving to tumblr! it’s kinda hard posting at both all the time

p.p.s. i’ll post something more thought-provoking soon, i promise (instead of whining so much, but this was just to get everything out of my system :/)

love this song, it makes me tear a little evey time i hear it :’) i must watch city of angels again sometime! i think it’s one of the best romance movies ever made.

and i hate to say this but some days i can feel it coming back. that which i’ve been trying so hard to surpress and get rid off. and it just ruins my whole day sometimes. plus recently i haven’t been really eating or sleeping well. like yesterday. i slept from 4am to 1pm then from 9pm to 1am and i’m awake all the way till now. sighhh. am i’m so hungry too! can’t stand it.

haha whenever this song or snow come on while i’m using my phone i get a mini-heart attack cos i’ll think someone’s calling. and you shouldn’t use your favourite songs as your alarms either, now everytime i hear i’m a realist by the cribs i get anxious for no reason haha. in fact don’t listen to your favourite songs while mugging cos the next time you hear them after a while you’ll get stressed out cos you’ll be reminded of those times!!

anyway this week has been a whirl of activities and little sleep! oweek ended and i enjoyed what little of it i could go for my ag is awesomez and it has nice people in it so i’m looking forward to taking classes with them! but the bad thing is i’m gonna miss the 1st week of uni cos of j&h rehearsals (good thing for ivle though haha!!) thankfully the people are a fun and hilarious bunch! if not i’ve no idea how i’m going to get through the whole thing.

life has been great, though it’s sooooo hectic omg! no more sleeping for 14 hours a day hahaha. sigh!!

p.s. can’t wait for my lit module!! we’re doing the tempest v^^v

story of my life.

and i had so much to say, but in the end the words evaporated again. i hate how unfair life is sometimes. i mean everything has been going well for me recently and i don’t want to sound ungrateful, but how come nothing ever went this well for me in the past when i put in so much effort in stuff i did? i’m not specifically refering to anything, but recently i’ve been feeling this more and more and it has been unsettling me to no end. maybe i’m just being stupid and paranoid, but i really hate how ironic everything is. (although i do have an inkling of what’s going on though, and it makes me feel… very sad. ) oh wellos, life never really plays by the rules…

haha anymore and this post will get too soul-baring. sigh. i’m gonna write the rest somewhere else.

edit:

haha just to make this post not totally emo-sounding and sad, here’s one of my favourite songs from one of my fav bands of all time!

(my favourite the cribs song is actually shoot the poets, but i can’t find a video of it with a decent enough sound quality, so the next best thing will have to do!)

Finding God in the Park 660.5  

Abe was fiercely independent, even at age 85, but after a mild stroke his son insisted he move in with him. Abe missed going to the park near his old apartment, and one Saturday he set out to find it.   

When he became disoriented, he asked a young boy named Timmy where the park was. Timmy said he’d like to take him there, but he didn’t have time because he was looking for God. He said he needed to talk to Him about why his parents were getting a divorce.  

“Maybe God’s in the park,” the old man said. “I’d like to talk to Him, too, about why He’s made me useless.” And so they set off together to find God.  

At the park, Timmy began to cry about the divorce, and Abe lovingly held his face in both hands and looked him straight in the eyes. “Timmy, I don’t know why bad things happen, but I know it wasn’t because of you. I know you’re a good boy and your parents love you and you’ll be okay.”  

Timmy gave Abe a big hug and said, “I’m so glad I met you. Thanks. I think I can go now.”  

“No, but when he touched me and told me I’m going to be okay, I felt really better. Only God can do that.”

 “I was in the park with God.”  

i’m not exactly religious but this story warmed my heart and i like the message it’s sending! sometimes all it takes is a listening ear, or someone there beside you to make you think all is better in the world. recently i’ve been thinking about taking up volunteering to make better use of my time. as a friend once said, life’s like the spokes of a wheel. each one represents one facet of life, like love, friends, family, charity etc. if you put too much focus on any one part of your life, the figurative spoke becomes longer than the rest and the wheel becomes unstable, and your life becomes unbalanced as a result. with so much going on nowadays, i think it’s time to be more selfless and focus less on what we think is important, and more on what is really important. 

with that being said, even though i know this might sound like the ultimate paradox, i’m going to miss the hubhub and early morning squabbles over nothing in my house. (like just now mummy and gran had a noisy debate over the fact that there’re no corridors on odd-numbered floors, cos one time the lifts on our side broke down, gran actually climbed the stairs cos she couldn’t fathom the idea of the lifts on the other side of the building… ah scratch that, it’s a long and complicated story) though i’d love the peace and quiet and freedom to do whatever i want once i move out, whenever i want. i guess that kinda means i’m really on my own then. (i think my bro’s gonna take over my room once i’m gone… oh well, he has to put up with my stack of magazine and lavender/pink themed things nonetheless!)

on monday i went to pamzzz house to bake! we made an apple tart. there was this super funny incident that happened before hahaha. i saw a real cute tortishell coloured cat beneath her house so i gave it a belly rub, and she was so disgusted, like she was literally standing 10m away shouting at me to stop touching the cat. then when i tried to walk toward her to the lift she ran away screaming “DON’T TOUCH MEEEEE!!!” (and i shouted back at her “WHO WANTS TO TOUCH YOUUUU????”) yeah then all the ahpek and ahmahs chillaxing at the void deck were staring at us. and then she refused to take the same lift with me just cos of that, so i had to go up by myself and ask marita to open the door for me. i was like “if i go up first i will have to touch the doorknob y’know…” haha then marita called her gila and siaozarbo cos she kept hiding behind her… it was so hilarious!! anyway we have video proof hahaha.

hmm then ytd i went school for rag, it was super fun! we celebrated nic’s birthday (though no caking though, awww haha) i mean it shows real dedication to go school on your own birthday! yeah and the float looks super nice, hope everything finishes by the deadline..

the bad thing about ytd was, i realised sometimes i really talk too much. i must learn to shut up more, sigh. you can’t become a better person if you bitch too much. and worst of all, actions speak louder than words so hmm. that’s food for thought. i shall keep them more in check from now on.

pool date later with the babes! haha. today i can be sure i won’t be late cos i’m up sososo early.

p.s. and i realised it’s less than 2 weeks to the start of august! where has all the time flown to?

edit: i watched ep1 of true blood last night (i recorded it on hubstation) and it was quite disappointing zz. maybe it’s cos i didn’t watch it to the end for the twist, oh wellos.

hmph. life’s been good to me recently, so i’m not going to let small things bring me down.

Dear Roberta Sparrow, I have reached the end of your book and… there are so many things that I need to ask you. Sometimes I’m afraid of what you might tell me. Sometimes I’m afraid that you’ll tell me that this is not a work of fiction. I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.

donnie darko was… wow. from a convo with a friend recently, i was reminded to watch it, cos the last time i tried to over a year ago, i couldn’t find all of the parts online! it’s the type of film-experience you can’t convey in words so you have to watch it by yourself (i always think that, if you can summarize a movie aptly to a person who hasn’t caught it yet, it’s probably not a good movie). i’d say it’s deeply personal even, to a certain extent. i’ll deffo watch it again! this time the original though. cos it give you a lot to think about… hmm

the other really mess-with-your-head type of intense movie that i caught recently, was Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (on the plane back from shanghai, long live SIA! ) . it’s this swedish film adapted from a post-humous novel by stieg larsson. it’s a potent part-hannibal lector, part-murder mystery combination that’s seriously good. but it’s traumatizing though, you’ll have to watch to find out why haha (it has a r21 advisory). anyway just a word of caution though, if you have a weak heart like me, don’t watch either at night, and DEFINITELY not alone! cos you won’t be able to sleep for the rest of the night.

with that being said i’m going off now!! just realised i haven’t finished my chores (read: a mountain of dishes… and it’s 2am now) and i have to wake up at 8 tomorrow, le sigh. hope i don’t crash and burn like today

haha yep. expo was a hell lot of fun but uber tiring and after the end of the first two days, my legs felt like they were made of a combination of lead and jelly… like i couldn’t stand properly. but ming being bionic woman, she was impervious to the suffering of kc and i and continued to walk at her inhumanely fast speed omg. like it was literally crazy, we queued up 2 hours before the gates opened, then when they did, we olympic sprint-ed to the most popular pavillions so we didn’t have to queue for too long. what was unbelievable was the fact that the old grannies and grandpas were running faster than us!! well it’s not surprising seeing that they’re mostly er… healthy farmers. yup and the one thing i hated about the trip was how people are so uncivilized, which isn’t surprising since most of them aren’t from the city (excuse the stereotyping here). like they literally cut your queue after you’ve been lining up for hours and hours and worse still, they step on your feet in the process and ignore you and refuse to apologise even after you’ve made noticeable sounds of distress. like in the australian pavillion there was this man that stepped on our all our feet simultaneously and pretended nothing’s wrong even after kc and ming told him off! like… what?? (though that might be due to kc’s bad chinese instead, cos she told the man to “stop stepping on our bodies” cos she didn’t know what toes were in chinese HAHAHA)

yup and speaking of toes, we wore flipflops on most days so i think people knew we weren’t local (cos local people wear steel-capped boots from daily instances of painful toe stepping-ons, yup). we went to qipu road (it’s like the place where shopkeepers in bugis and far east in singapore source for clothes in shanghai) and the shopkeepers kept asking us where we were from! cos they didn’t know we were speaking english. they were like, “oh so what language do you speak in singapore? singaporean?” like LOL… then kc was unbelievably hilarious when she first entered the shopping complex. she went like “WHY IS EVERYTHING SO CHEAP!!!”, “OMG OMG OMG I AM HYPERVENTILATING”, “I AM GOING TO FAINT” and my personal fave “JUST KILL ME NOW!!” hahahaha. and ming was being a total pro and haggling, like seriously i think i was the only one not bothering to cut prices cos i thought everything was quite cheap already! then ming was talking down to me in a concerned voice “do you know how to haggle? why don’t i help you haggle next time you see something you like?” hahaha champion!!

oh yep so i am really broke now from all my new clothes haha. i realised i can’t really wear any of them to school cos they’re mostly going town clothes. hmm. we each got at least 5 skirts with the same cutting put different design haha, one day we shall wear them like a uniform, like all 3 of us wear.

umm what else. oh right the food was sooooooooooo sososo delicious there. i gained 3kg in a week lol!! damn. gotta lose weight to fit into my new pair of fab skinnies. they’re just distressed and ripped enough to my liking. but like i can’t wear it for long periods of time or squat down in them cos they cut the circulation in my legs v^^v yes yes i know my butt is getting ginormous again. sigh i wish playing guitar will burn calories haha, i’ll be like kate moss waif-thin by now.

yup for photos and the random bits of commentary, check out facebook, cos uploading pictures onto wp is a bitch. :/